dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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