That's when you crack a 10am beer
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i will never coherently bang her
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
