Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
