Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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