i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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