I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
