drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
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you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
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Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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