i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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