Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize