When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
