please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
