Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
