you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
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