I smell stomach acid.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
