i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
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I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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