Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
