Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
