Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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