I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
