Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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