i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
