so explain again why im purple
no
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
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My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
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This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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