my phone needs a breathalizer
i was born a porn star she said
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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