I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
