I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
