can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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