I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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