I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Panties = found
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