apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
