I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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