I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
