if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
