the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
