Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
