so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
