Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
