im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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