There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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