the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
