I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
