Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
