So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
being pregnant is like rehab
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I AM VODKA MAN
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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