I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
