So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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