I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
