Can i not drive my cunt home
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
