Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
