just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he fucked my hip out of place.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
