she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
