I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
