If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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