i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
