On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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