Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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